You know why you’re single? It’s ’cause all your date ideas suck. You’re just plain doin’ it wrong. Here, let us help you.
It’s a common misconception that single men and women enjoy structured, pleasant dates filled with scintillating conversation and a noticeable lack of stupidity. But that’s just wrong.
If there’s anything Ben Stiller movies and the Third Act of Charlie Sheen’s life have taught us, people dig calamity, awkward situations and boorish behaviour.
Here are a few suggestions:
Find a karoake place. Sing three Nickelback songs in a row. Emerge victorious from the ensuing brawl (making sure you’re shirt is completely ripped off in the process).
Pretend you’re a newly engaged couple looking to buy a house and get real estate agents to take you on tours all day. When you get to the kitchen, turn to your partner and scream: “Green? Green? You told me the benchtops would be brown. This is exactly why I slept with your brother/mother/sister/clone!” And then, as the real estate agent weeps with shock, steal fake condiments and fruit.
Go to laser tag with your potential partner. Every time you nail some kid with a sweet headshot, get up in their grill and start shouting nonsensical lines from the Rambo trilogy in their face. “In town you’re the law, out here it’s me. Don’t push it. Don’t push it or I’ll give you a war you won’t believe. Let it go. Let it go. “ Boom!
Enter a local talent show together and do a 35-minute skit about Joe Pesci trying to open an olive jar. Chicks dig Joe Pesci.
Take your date to one of the city’s many fine sushi train-type establishments. Be sure to call over the waiting staff every time you pick up a plate and say: “Excuse me, my sashimi is undercooked.” Aww hell yeah! You’re one funny guy!
Go see a clairvoyant or psychic together at a flea market or Fortitude Valley Markets, pretend you are related and see if they can pick you’re not. If they don’t, start making out in front of them and ask them if “John” or “Jacob son of Goliath” is a better baby name.
Go to IKEA and play house with all the furniture, fake fixtures, kitchen products and prop TVs and laptops. It worked for that dink in 500 Days of Summer, so it should be gold, right? Also, $1 hot dogs. Beats any restaurant, every time.
Rocking a sweet “Harvard” shirt
Go somewhere. Anywhere. But wear a “Harvard” shirt the entire time. Keep bringing it up in conversation until your date finally asks if you went to Harvard. Reply with: “It used to be ‘The Harvard’. I told them to drop the ‘The’.” Booyah! Social Network reference! Pop culture!
Research your family trees together. And then, when everything’s going well and the lights are dimming just that tiny bit, reach over and point to her/his great-great-great-grandfather. “See that guy? Yeah, my dad reckons he could beat that guy in a fight.” Negging!
Go people-watching at the magistrates court. Keep a tally of how many times you see someone entering a courtroom wearing jeans, joggers and a button-up with a Simpsons tie. The best way to show someone you’re a respectable citizen is to show them people about to do some serious jail time.
Cover yourself in crumbs and allow South Bank’s ibises to flock to you and adorn your body like some kind of mythical bird-coat. Note: Ibises are disgusting creatures.
Go see a gig at The Zoo. Point at whatever band’s playing and shout “The singer used to date my housemate. I wrote all their songs.” When your date points out that they used to date them so that’s a load of shit, just yell: “Wanna make out real quick?”
Head to Strike Wintergarden for some bowling action. Destroy your opponent/date. It’s for their own good. Relationships are a perpetual competition. Even the fun bits.
Everybody loves GOMA. The paintings are sweet and there’s heaps of things made out of clay and paper clips and nose hair. The best part about it is, you can instantly fake knowing something about culture. We suggest wearing a turtle neck and brightening it up by painting the word “Renaissance Man/Woman” across the front. You can also pretend to know heaps about art by reading the “For Kids” explanations beneath the paintings out loud. Actually, this one’s pretty good.
And, there you go! A few guaranteed awesome date ideas that are sure to land you a second one… or jail time. No risk, no reward.